


Everyone Sleeps With Ashton Santos

by dejame



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, angst but make it comedic, basically just me trying to make this relationship healthy sksksk, jules pov bc rue talks a LOT and sometime i dont know what she be sayin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-09-29 23:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20444282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dejame/pseuds/dejame
Summary: "What happens when she goes off to college and forgets all about you?""You mean 'if.'"(Jules is 21 when she finally remembers she had a girlfriend her last two years of high school.)





	1. Michael Baudelaire

"Everyone, this is Taylor." There's a unanimous, "Hi, Taylor," in response that reminds Jules of AA meetings. Something about the thought—AA meetings, alcoholics, drug addicts—almost works it out in her mind, but she gives up halfway through. She's drunk. Sadie tells Taylor, "I see you looking at Jules right now, and let me be the one to break your heart. She's straight." The table laughs.

Jules scoffs. Says, "I'm not straight," and everyone just looks at her. They're in a bar, all of them squeezed together in a dingy booth under a low-wattage bulb that's been swinging back and forth all night because Liam is too tall and he keeps bumping his head into it on accident. Taylor (some transfer student from Pratt) has round blue eyes that get even wider at this revelation, but her other friends just keep staring and staring. "What? I'm not."

"I don't want to invalidate you by saying I don't believe you," Grace says, "but I don't believe you." Jules makes a mental note to stop talking to Grace.

"You've been gay this whole time?" Sadie asks. She turns to Taylor and explains, "She's dated nothing but cis white guys since I've known her."

"In my defense, there are a lot of cis white guys, statistically speaking."

Liam's like, "Jules, we live in New York City."

"Okay," she says. She rolls her eyes. "But I'm not straight. Really! I'm not. I totally had a girlfriend my junior and senior year of high school." There are a bunch of skeptic murmurs ("Why have we never heard of this high school girlfriend?") but Jules doesn't hear them because she's having an epiphany. _Rue? Rue Byers? No... Rue Baker? No. Rue Bennett._

She says, "Rue Bennett!" and Grace gives her a face like _You obviously just made that up._ Her fingertips tingle. Rue Bennett. How could she have forgotten Rue Bennett? She was, like, in love with that girl. Crazy.

* * *

Normally, the change would've been subconscious and she never would've noticed, but Jules has university insurance and, thus, attends therapy twice a month and is far more perceptive. Also, Sadie is super attentive. She asks, "Why'd you stop hanging out with Grace?" and when Jules only responds with a sort of grunt/groan, she moves on to, "What's up with you lately?"

"What do you mean?" Jules asks, but she knows. She's been tucking her hair behind her ears every two seconds and going around for the past week with a middle part like it's 2002 or something. And yesterday in class she'd started laughing out of nowhere because she'd remembered when Rue graded all the dick pics on her phone. And music was becoming a nightmare. Every song could've been about Rue. Every single one. She doesn't want to bottle it up anymore. "I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend." She continues, "Like, ever since I brought it up... I don't know."

Sadie asks, all innocent, "What's she doing now?" The words are like a spell. Jules remembers Rue and then she remembers Facebook and FindMyiPhone and how easy it is to be a stalker in the 21st century.

Jules hums. "Um, I don't really know."

* * *

It would be weird to reach out to Rue over the phone or through Facebook or something, especially because then Jules would have to face all of the people she's been ignoring on Facebook for the past three years. It's also actually kind of fucking scary because Rue could have a girlfriend now. She could have a _wife_ now. Or a _kid_ or something. And Jules wouldn't know what the fuck to do with that information anyways.

So, she's just gonna leave it alone.

* * *

Leaving it alone, apparently, involves masturbating. Jules goes to touch herself at night, but she realizes the last time she saw Rue was when they were eighteen, and she does _not_ want to jerk off to an eighteen-year-old.

Simple solution: Instagram. It is impossible to have feelings on Instagram, to divulge personal information. Instagram is like the perfect paradise between finding hot people and stalking hot people. This will not count.

Rue doesn't have one. Maddy does. It takes a bit of scrolling, but eventually, there's a group selfie at some sort of frat party, probably before Cassie stopped seeing Chris McKay. Rue stands in the back and off to the side, half-committed to being in the shot. She's holding a cup and sticking out her tongue and winking and her hair is doing this _thing_ where it curls and falls right in front of her eyes in a way that emphasizes how symmetrical her face is. Something else she remembers: Rue was incredibly symmetrical. Jules drew her all the time.

So, yeah, she gets off to that.

Which, of course, reminds her of the sex.

Rue used to laugh when they fucked. Like lovemaking was a joke. Or like she was just having the best time in the entire world. Just _fun._ Jules frowns when she finishes. When did fucking people stop being fun?

* * *

Jules will be the first to admit she fucked up with that Instagram thing. She shouldn't have done it. How is she supposed to ignore that now? How is she supposed to sleep with Jasper now?

To be fair to her, Jasper was already a bit of a stretch compared to her usual guys. She met him in philosophy and he was taking it because it was his _major_. A twenty-one-year-old philosophy major in an introductory course is many things but one thing it is not is her type. Plus he keeps making this face at her as she bobs up and down on top of him. Eventually, she's just like, "I'm gonna turn around, okay?"

He goes, "No, don't." And then something like, "How will we connect?" She _has_ to have misheard that because she doesn't even really know what that means. _Your penis is inside of me_, she thinks. _We are connected._

She asks, "What?"

Quickly: "No, yeah, turn."

So she turns. She's still jumping, still doing most of the work, still daydreaming a bit. Loving Rue didn't feel like work, but maybe that was puppy love. Maybe that's what that meant. She notices Jasper's hamper is knocked over and all of his dirty clothes have spilled in front of his closet door. There's an incredibly rank looking pair of tidy whities and, for the briefest moment, Jules imagines Rue poking at it with a stick. Jasper asks, "Why are you laughing?"

"I'm not laughing." He pulls out.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Oh, my God, Jasper, I'm not laughing."

"Jasper?" he asks. "My name is Michael." Jesus. Where the fuck did she get 'Jasper' from?

Her jaw drops.

"Shit," she bites. "I stood up Jasper from organic chem."

* * *

Her therapist is booked until January. The holidays are a tumultuous time for college students, apparently. No one wants to go home. Everyone has to. It's a lot of emotional baggage to move through. Instead of Ms. Cathy, Jules rants to Sadie.

"I really miss Rue," she says.

"I know," says Sadie.

"Like, I didn't even know I cared this much. That sounds rude, but I don't mean it like that. Because, like, I always cared. I never stopped caring. And maybe that's why I forgot, you know? Because it was just so much for so long that I, like, got used to it, I guess? Like I was numb to it. And then I remembered everything again so now I'm feeling everything again." She says, "Like Rue used to look at me and her eyes... I could just feel everything she wanted to say. Just this timid thing, like she didn't want to move too fast but also we weren't moving fast enough."

Sadie says, "Jules, let me tell you: I'm really starting not to give a single shit about this girl."

Jules says, "Okay," but she drags it out with emphasis on the 'k' to connote that, in actuality, that is not okay.

"It's just—if you still like her, what are you talking to me about it for? Just reach out to her."

"No way." Jules shakes her head. "It was a bad break up. Like, really bad."

"What happened?"

It takes a moment for Jules to say, "Drugs."

Sadie asks, "Like, you and drugs or like her and drugs?"

"Both," Jules says, but she's lying. It was Rue and drugs. It was always Rue and drugs. But that's not for Sadie to hear. It's not like that was Rue's fault, and saying the truth would make it sound as if it were.

When people learn someone is an addict, they lose every ounce of sympathy for some reason. Her dad and her friends and her one therapist from senior year always got on her fucking case about that. 'You can't date an addict.' But that didn't make any sense. Addiction was a brain thing. It was natural even though it wasn't healthy. Sometimes you love things that aren't good for you, like cake or heroin.

And who were these people anyway? What gave them the right to draw the lines on the kind of people you can and can't love? It was almost the same thing as saying she couldn't date Rue because she was a girl or because she was black or because Jules was transgender. It was all just talk. It was all just a bullet people shot that turned into confetti as soon as it left the chambers of their mouths.

You can't critique _love; _you can only critique the things love creates, like bad poetry and clichés and bastard children.

"So it was toxic," Sadie guesses, and Jules nods. Sadie goes, "Jules, you don't miss her, you miss the drama and the attention."

Jules doesn't talk again for the rest of the night.

* * *

The worst part about not being friends with Rue anymore is that Jules can't even ask her about everything she's remembering and thinking and feeling. She has dreams, though.

Rue sits in front of her, legs crossed, bored.

"Do you think we were toxic?" Jules asks. Rue kind of shrugs.

"I mean," she says. "Like, what teenage relationship isn't toxic?'

Jules nods. "Right! Because it's not like we had been in a bunch of relationships before then."

"Exactly." Rue nods. "We didn't know how to do it."

"Totally," Jules agrees. "And if we tried again now—"

"We'd be perfect," Rue finishes, all smiles, all pearly white teeth.

Jules wakes up sweaty and hot. She hadn't known that about herself. But it was true. She did want Rue back. She wanted perfect.

* * *

There is no possible way to reconnect with Rue Bennet without some sort of stalking. And even if there is, Jules has no idea how to dilute herself to prevent coming on too strong. She wants to open the door to something casual, maybe start with friendship. But Jules has always been pretty big. She gives her all every day without her consent. If she saw Rue, it'd probably come spilling out of her mouth regardless of any plan. _Hey, Rue? I love you. I love you I love you I love you!_

Her best bet, instead, is to connect with someone who is already connected.

So:

_ Hi Fez, it's Jules. Do you remember me? _

An hour later, Fez sends back: _u don't get a discount cus we used to be friends_.

Jules rolls her eyes and types, _I don't want drugs. I wanted to catch up!!_

The typing bubble appears and stays on screen for a solid two and a half minutes. When the message finally comes through, Fez has sent an eye roll emoji.

She tries again: _How's Ashtray?_

_Juvi._ Fucking Christ.

Again: _Aw, that sucks!_ Disappointed emoji. Then, _Is your grandma doing better?_

_She died two years ago._

"Fuck!" Jules hollers, but she supposes it's her fault for asking. She sends, _I'm so sorry._

Fez sends, _sure_. She gives up.

* * *

They could run into one another organically. That's her best bet.

She'll stay with her dad for Christmas like he's been begging her to. They bump into each other at the supermarket. _Hey! How are you? It's been forever! I love you._

* * *

"The bitch is back in town," Kat sings, and she squeezes so tight Jules can't breathe. "How pregnant do I look?"

Jules' eyes pop. "Bitch, are you _pregnant_?"

"No, that was a test." Kat smiles. "There's something different about me, though, right? Something's... different... don't know what it is." She gesticulates with her left hand.

"Oh, my God, no." Jules grabs for the ring. "When?"

"Yesterday."

"Fuck!"

"He said he had the whole thing planned for next year after graduation, but he couldn't wait and so he just did it." Kat blushes and gushes. Love is in the air. It's a good sign.

* * *

"Have you seen Rue since you got in?"

"No, why?" Jules analyzes her father as he digs into his peas. "Have you seen her around?"

"Every now and then, yeah."

She tries to sound casual. "What's she up to?"

"You girls don't keep in touch?" Jules scratches her fork against her plate in retaliation. "She's working down at the homeless shelter. Really, really kind young woman she turned out to be." She's so nervous now she can't breathe. What the fuck is wrong with her? To just show up and declare your love for a girl you haven't seen in three years? She's crazy.

And what did she even think was going to happen? That they'd get together and elope or get married like Kat and Ethan and live in a tiny apartment with a dog? How could they ever be that good when they started so bad? You can't build a house on a shitty foundation.

And was she even asking herself this out of the kindness of her heart or was Sadie right? Maybe she just wanted attention. Maybe she missed the drama, not Rue. Why did she come back here? She hates this town.

* * *

Kat invites her to the engagement party, but Jules can't risk seeing Rue. She'll stay in this house all December.

* * *

January 1st comes, her father leaves for work, and three hours later, Rue shows up at her door.

Jules freezes.

Rue says, "Hi!" Jules says nothing. "How are you?" She goes in for a hug, and it's incredibly awkward. _Why is this awkward?_ Jules thinks. _We used to sixty-nine._

"I'm fine." Jules barely hugs her back. Rue falters a bit. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted to say hi before you left. I haven't seen you for so long." Rue is giving her that look. Big, brown doe eyes. Timid and slow and fast all at the same time. Vulnerable and open. _Is that okay?_ Of course, it's okay. Jules thinks, I love you.

"Do you wanna come inside?"

* * *

Jules gets a really weird, disgusting thought as Rue sits on her bed. It doesn't even make enough sense to articulate. She thinks Rue is super lucky to be herself, that she gets to live inside of herself every day. She's so pretty.

Like, Rue will stretch and she looks like a model. And her hair gets in her face and she's suddenly in a shampoo commercial. She's just so lucky. She gets to see herself every day and touch herself whenever she wants to. Not even in a sexual way. She can just run her hand down her neck or rub her stomach. She can always be with herself.

"I haven't been in here in so long," Rue says.

"Neither have I." Jules sits next to her. Two girls on one bed in a small room, feeling each other breathe. Jules looks over and practices the words on her tongue without opening her mouth. _I have a lot to say to you._ What comes out is, "Do you wanna come to New York with me?"

Rue kind of laughs.

Jules laughs at herself. "Not to, like, live there forever with me or anything, but to, like, visit."

"I've kinda got a lot of stuff to do here."

"Aren't homeless people still homeless whether you're here or not?" Rue narrows her eyes. _Jesus fucking Christ, you fucking idiot. Why do you talk? Why are you not mute? Why do you say things? _"That was a mean joke, sorry. Sorry, I'm scared."

"You're scared? Why are you scared?"

"I don't know. I didn't mean to say that."

Rue shrugs. "What do you want to say?" _Don't fucking ask me that._

Jules shakes her head. Asks, "Do you want to say something?" Rue shrugs. Jules shrugs back. "Kat and Ethan are getting married."

"I know. You ditched the engagement party."

"I was scared to see you there." Jules says, "I didn't know what I would say. I still don't. Obviously." Jules says, "I'm sorry for how things ended."

"You don't have to say sorry," Rue assures her, though she sounds a bit sad. Rue is so lucky to breathe her own air. That doesn't make sense. But it does. Like, she gets to function on her own and be a person who makes sense and Jules can't.

Thinking about kissing someone and kissing someone are two very different things. Things like taste and smell and touch are so abstract. So your brain works overtime to try and create those things, but it can't. So you're thinking but you're not thinking at the same time.

Rue's like, "What are you thinking right now?"

Jules shakes her head. "I'm not thinking anything. What are you t—"

Rue kisses her.

Thank God.

As they fall into bed, Jules remembers her English unit on poetry. The one that went, "say I'm weary, say I'm sad, say that health and wealth have miss'd me, say I'm growing old, but add—"

"You kissed me," Jules breathes.

Underneath her, Rue goes, "Sorry."

"No, you're fine." And then, "Thank you." She kisses her back. They kiss and kiss and kiss on New Year's Day.


	2. Jasper Parker

When she was sixteen, she and Rue would never sleep together. They'd stay up all night kissing, touching, or talking. It was never on purpose and they never got tired. There was always a reason to stay up. There was a new show on Netflix, or Cassie was having issues with McKay, or did you _see_ what BB wore to school today? How the hell did the hall monitors not catch that?

Now Jules is twenty-one, and sleeping means maturing. She's responsible. She can rest and not worry about running out of time. They have nothing but time. She closes her eyes and lies back, and in the morning, she throws her arms over the side of the bed to pull Rue closer.

Rue's gone.

"Rue?" She's not in the room. Jules calls down the stairs. "Rue?" Nothing. In the living room: "Dad, have you seen Rue?" He glances over at her, shocked.

"Was Rue here last night?"

* * *

She recants the whole night to Sadie and Liam over the phone and then asks, "Did I do something wrong?"

Liam goes, "Jules, can you please text Grace back? She's blowing up my phone and I don't want to get in the middle of it."

Jules rolls her eyes and asks, "Who?"

Liam's like, "Don't be a bitch."

Jules' like, "Anyways, Sadie, did I do something wrong?"

"I do think the homeless joke might've went a little too far," Sadie supposes. And while Jules appreciates the effort, the statement makes her want to throw her phone across the room. It obviously wasn't that. Her friends won't be any help. They don't know Rue at all.

"I apologized right after that," Jules huffs. She mutters, "It's not like I bombed the place."

"Yeah, but she really cares about the homeless, right?"

Liam pipes in, "I don't think you need to have a hard-on for homelessness to find what Jules said offensive."

"Okay, need I remind everyone that I was actually homeless for, like, two and a half weeks my junior year?" Jules fumes and flails her arms even though they can't see. "I have the right to poke fun at least a little bit."

Sadie and Liam ask at the same time, "You were homeless?" She would explain, but that would mean talking about abandoning Rue at a train station and she doesn't want to get into all of that. She hangs up.

* * *

There's only one week left before she has to go back to FIT and she refuses to spend all of it watching Kat and Ethan dry hump on their couch. She casts out, "Maybe I should ask Rue on a date to let her know I'm serious."

"Just like that," Kat moans.

"Rue's got," Ethan hums between kisses, "a boyfriend." Jules blinks.

"She _what_?" Neither of them answer. "Whatever. It's obviously not serious. She kissed me. _She_ kissed _me_."

"Open relationship," Ethan pants. He leans away from the kissing to address Jules full-on, but Kat grabs him by the hair at the nape of his neck and drags him back.

"Stop talking to her," Kat demands softly.

Jules sputters, "But since when does she even like men? I mean... _men_? No offense, Ethan, but... MEN?" Ethan throws a hand in her direction like, _No offense taken._ Kat detaches from her fiancé.

"Since when do you like Rue?"

"What do you mean? I've always liked Rue. I love her." Kat laughs. "What's funny about that?"

* * *

If she could, Jules would go all out and get a nice table at a fancy restaurant, but she's a fashion design major who does part-time modeling. She has a few bucks in her account, and her savings is bone dry until her refund check hits.

She texts Rue and asks if she wants to come over.

Rue doesn't respond.

An hour later Jules asks if she wants to meet up for ice cream.

Rue sends back a smiley face.

"So, you have a boyfriend," Jules starts. She gives a small smile to make Rue feel comfortable, but Rue doesn't seem like she needs it. She's sort of rocking side to side as she eats her chocolate chip cookie dough, as if it's so tasty she can't keep still. She is very, very cute. "So, like, how's that work?" Rue shrugs, tilting her head to the side and shooting an arrow straight through Jules' heart.

"How it always works, I guess," Rue says. "How's FIT?" Jules just rolls her eyes. "What?"

"You nearly had sex with me three days ago."

"I completely had sex with him last night." Jules rears back as if she's been slapped.

"Are you trying to hurt me right now?"

"What?"

"You left without saying goodbye. And I had to double text you. And you didn't even tell me you had a boyfriend."

"I don't have to tell you if I have a boyfriend. I mean, its not like you tell me if_ you_ have a boyfriend."

"I don't have a boyfriend!" Jules hollers. "I've never had a boyfriend. I've had one girlfriend, ever, and she was you." Rue pushes her chair back like she's about to just get up and walk away. Again. "Rue, we're literally on a date right now."

"This is a date?"

"You know that's why I asked."

"I don't know anything if you don't tell me." Rue has an angry look on her face that, in the past, was solely reserved for her mother. It makes Jules feel like she's about to throw up. "We don't, like, know each other anymore. I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't... I don't know what I want you to say either." Jules puts her head in her hands. "Maybe that you love me." She hears Rue kind of snort, kind of laugh. Why do people keep doing that? "Don't laugh at me."

"I wouldn't."

"You would. You did."

"I'm sorry." Her heart breaks.

"You don't love me?"

"No, I do," Rue promises, like she's placating a child. "I love you." It doesn't sound at all like what Jules thought it would.

* * *

"Jules, can you please text this bitch back?" Liam begs. Jules turns on her heels, pacing back and forth in Gate 43 of LAX.

"Next topic," she declares. "I confessed my love and she laughed at me. Laughed! Like I was being funny, telling a joke."

"No, yeah, sweetie, we know what laughing is," Sadie says. "Maybe just leave it alone, you know? You forgot about her once. You can do it again."

"Maybe she thought it was ironic," Liam says. "Because you're usually all aloof and stuff. It's like when I kept hooking up with Ashton—"

"Everyone hooks up with Ashton," Jules and Sadie interrupt. Liam huffs.

"Let me _finish_." He says, "When I kept hooking up with Ashton and he was like, 'We should be exclusive.' Remember? And I genuinely thought he was just being funny, but then he was really pissed off about it."

Jules swears, "I am not like Ashton fucking Santos."

"Oooo, actually," Sadie sings, "You kinda are, babe."

* * *

She finds Michael again in her philosophy class. She thinks again, _I am not Ashton Santos_. She strides up to him and holds her head high. Says, "It was wrong of me to have sex with you and ghost you. That was bad. I'm sorry." Michael gets a confused look on his face.

"Did we have sex...?"

"Fucking hell! You're Jasper, aren't you?"

* * *

"Maybe I'm just a hoe."

"Jules, I know you're in love and I promise I will be more attentive about this later," Liam swears, "but right now Grace Ling is breathing down my fucking neck asking me why you're ignoring her and if you don't tell her soon, I'm gonna say it's because you're racist."

"Maybe if you're born a hoe you die a hoe," Jules muses.

Liam hollers in the quiet library: "You are twenty-one years old. If you don't sleep around now, when will you?"

They get kicked out.

* * *

"Do you think if you're born a hoe that you'll die a hoe?" Jules asks. Ms. Cathy situates herself in her seat.

"Well, firstly, I don't refer to people as hoes." She continues, "Do you think you're a hoe? Are you referring to yourself?"

"Just because, like, no one has been taking me seriously, and I'm realizing that I don't think even I take myself seriously. Like, if I proclaimed my love for myself to myself, I don't know what I would do with that."

"Try it out now," Ms. Cathy advises.

"What?"

"Try it out now."

Jules says, "I love you, Jules." And then they sit there for a second.

"What are you thinking?" Ms. Cathy asks.

"I don't think she—" Jules starts crying. Ms. Cathy hands her tissues. "I'm stupid."

"No. We don't call ourselves stupid."

"Ms. Cathy, this girl is perfect. She is perfect. And I've ruined it, like, so many times. I should've, I don't know. I should've made her get on the train. Or I should've got off. Or, like, I should've just followed my gut the first time around."

"You're saying a lot. Let's start with the beginning. Who is she?"

"My first girlfriend. Rue."

"I'm going to promise you right now that Rue, however lovely she may be, is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And maybe some of this pressure you feel is rooted with you putting her on such a pedestal."

"But she's too good for me. She really is."

"Because you're a hoe?"

"Exactly."

"But if we follow the belief for a second that no one is a hoe and also that no one is perfect, where does that leave us? Where does that leave you? Leave Rue?" Jules can't think of an answer. "You left on a train, you said?"

"We were supposed to leave together."

"So you left and she stayed."

"Yeah, I left her."

"Why?"

"I wanted to go." Jules says, "I hate it there."

"A lot of intense feelings tied directly to Rue," Ms. Cathy observes. "You never referred to yourself as a hoe until you compared yourself to Rue. You've never mentioned any hatred for a place until Rue. Maybe she brings out something in you specifically."

"No." Jules shakes her head. "Don't say that."

"Why shouldn't I say that?"

"Because everyone says that!" Jules exhales. "And no one gets it."

"Explain it to me."

"Okay, so I have never been in love. Or, I _thought_ I'd never been in love, but then I met Rue and the second she spoke to me, I knew that like... love at first sight isn't a thing, but me and Rue had something at first sight. Like we vibe really well.

"And so the whole time that we're friends, I'm, like, formulating the rest of my life around this friendship, and not even in an obsessive way. I'm being objective. I'm like, 'Why wouldn't I plan for Rue to be with me? Why wouldn't she be with me?' Because there's legit no reason for us not to be together.

"And then I go to her one night because I was just scared and I was feeling too much and it just hit me: this is what that is. Love doesn't, like, require your consent to have you. It'll just have you and then you either realize you've been got or you don't.

"But all these people wanna talk shit and say we can't be together. She's an addict, by the way. But no one ever considers that maybe we are actually in love and good for one another but we just found each other at the wrong time. Because obviously being an addict is a big deal. I'm not trying to pretend it isn't. But we were dealing with big things at a young age, and so _that_ is what made it unhealthy, but _that_ is not _us._"

Ms. Cathy takes a deep breath.

"Well, first," she says, "is Rue okay?"

"Yeah, she's clean."

"Are you okay?"

"No." She tries not to say, _I'm a hoe_ aloud again.

"Do you know if Rue sees a therapist?"

Jules shrugs. Says, "It's not really her thing. She did a lot of it during rehab and it just made her hate it."

"So, you've both been dealing with these 'big things' but you've had access to therapeutic assistance and she's been warded off from it. So it's possible she feels just as pressured as you but she has no outlet for it."

"You want me to get Rue a therapist?"

"No. But you should listen to her. She's probably got as much to say as you do, maybe more. Addiction is a hard disease." Ms. Cathy asks, "What did she do when you visited her?"

"She kissed me. But then she ignored me. And she hurt my feelings."

"How?"

"She did it on purpose. She lied. Well, no, she just didn't tell me she has a boyfriend. Ridiculous. We hate men. It just felt like she was holding it over me as revenge or something."

"Revenge for what?"

"I don't know. For leaving her."

"I don't think a perfect person would seek revenge." Jules rolls her eyes. "So do you think she's vengeful or do you think she's perfect?"

"No, she's perfect." Jules shakes her head. She sighs, "Maybe I just want what I can't have."

"Did someone tell you that?"

"Yeah, Sadie."

"Let's not listen to Sadie right now. What do _you_ think?"

"I love her."

Ms. Cathy nods. "And she must have very strong feelings for you, what with all you've been through together. And she was willing to see you when you came back. And she kissed you despite having a boyfriend. Maybe she misses you."

"It didn't feel like it."

"What did it feel like?"

"Like she was dumping me."

"And you think she did that on purpose? To get back at you for leaving her all that time ago?" Jules nods. "Have you asked her how that made her feel?" Jules shakes her head. "Well, I don't think we can speak for her. I think only she can tell you. And I think you should ask her." Ms. Cathy adds, "And do it gently. She's not perfect. She's as breakable as you are."

* * *

Jules asks Rue, over 3,000 miles and with the help of satellites, "Do you think I'm going to die a hoe?" And she knows it's the right thing to start the conversation with because Rue laughs and laughs.

"If you want to," she says. Her voice cackles through the speakers. "You know, old people fuck like bunnies. You wouldn't be the only one."

"Oh, my God, I actually heard that. And it's actually really sad because they get all those STDs in retirement homes." Which reminds her: "How's Gia?"

"What?"

"How's Gia?" Jules asks, "She's a nurse, right?"

"Yeah. She wipes the spit off of old racist people's mouths while feeding them applesauce."

"How's the pay?"

"She's got her own place, so it's gotta be good enough."

"Tell her to make sure her racist old people are wearing condoms."

"Oh, I'll let her know immediately."

* * *

The next night:

"I can't believe Kat and Ethan are getting married."

"It feels like they're already married. Like they got married forever ago." It's so late that Jules can feel herself falling asleep as she talks. She says, "It's tomorrow!"

"It's tomorrow!" Rue cheers back. She continues, "They got married the second he transferred. Literally."

Jules goes, "Hi, I'm Ethan, and I'm your husband now."

"You have to do it whinier than that. He, like, is hunched over and like—"

"Hiiiiiii, Kaaaaat."

"Maarrryyy mee, Kaaat."

"Stop letting your friends make _fun_ of me, Kaat!"

* * *

"Are you gonna be my date for the wedding?"

"What about my boyfriend?"

"What about him?" Rue snorts over the speaker phone. Jules shrugs with a smile. "Sure, he can come, too."

* * *

She dreams about holding Rue's hand while finishing her sketches. Rue rubs her thumb over the back of Jules' hand and sets her head on Jules' shoulder. Her hair, wild and curly, falls all around them and her breath smells like peaches. "That looks really good," she whispers.

"Thank you," Jules mumbles back.

* * *

She knows she's in good when Rue starts calling just as often as Jules calls her. Jules always answers in class, on the train, in the hallway.

"Wait a second," she begs. She balances her textbooks and a bag of Chinese food. "I'm almost at my door."

"Hey, there, Julie, what's it like in New York City?" Rue sings. That is a romantic song. It's not a fling song. It's a song about waiting for someone until they're ready. But Jules isn't going to read too much into that.

Instead she says, "Great, now it's gonna be stuck in my head all day." Once she finally gets inside her home she says, "We should get an apartment together."

Rue says, "I don't wanna live in New York." Which is not the same as saying 'no' if Jules' was thinking technically. She doesn't want to get too heavy, so she says,

"We are but two ships in the night."

"Don't go all Shakespeare on me again."

* * *

Grace Ling bangs on Jules' door so hard that she basically drills a hole through it. Jules swings it open to confront her, but Grace is already shooting off at the mouth before she can get a word in.

"Liam said you're not talking to me because I'm Chinese," she says. "Which makes no sense because you've given no indication that you're anti-Chinese. Also, I've been Chinese this whole time and you never minded before. So he's gotta be lying. And I was thinking about the last time we talked and I think I stole your chemistry notes, so if this is about that, then I'm sorry."

"I don't care about the chemistry notes."

"Then why aren't you talking to me?"

Jules says, into her phone, "I'm gonna have to call you back, Rue." She says, to Grace, "It literally doesn't matter. I'm sorry. We're good."

"No, I want to know what I did. Did I say something?"

"I don't know. Did you?" Grace rolls her eyes.

"Don't be so childish. If you want an apology, you have to at least tell me what I'm apologizing for."

"I shouldn't have to do that, though."

"Jules, I'm not a fucking mind reader." She continues, "I've got a lot of shit I have to stay on top of. I'm sorry if I can't remember every interaction we've ever had, but if I do something that upsets you, you have to _tell me_. You can't just ghost me. I care about you. You're my friend."

"No, yeah," Jules sighs. "You're my friend, too."

Grace rolls her eyes again. "I know." She says, "When you're ready to talk about it, talk to me, okay? And answer my texts."

"Okay," Jules says. "Sorry."

* * *

"Why'd she ask _Lexi_ to be maid of honor?"

"Lexi's responsible."

"Exactly. She's no fun."

"Lexi's fun," Rue mumbles, and Jules feels something in her stomach twist.

"You and Lexi, huh?" Because of course. Typical.

Rue hums. "A few summers ago."

"Why'd it stop?"

"We're just better as friends."

Jules goes, "Hmm."

And Rue responds, "Hmm."

* * *

She can't keep avoiding her therapist. There's a fee when she misses a session, and then she gets emailed every week until she pays it.

So Jules Vaughn mopes her way into Ms. Cathy's office and falls onto her couch with an audible _humph_.

She says, "I didn't ask Rue how she felt."

Ms. Cathy says, "That's okay."

Jules says, "I don't want to ruin it. I'm really scared we'll stop talking again if I push her."

"Have you told her that?"

"Why is everyone so into honesty all the sudden?"

* * *

Kat calls Jules and announces she's getting married.

Jules laughs. "Yeah, I know, Kat."

"No, I'm getting married this summer. This summer!"

"I thought you wanted to wait until after graduation."

"No, I can't wait. I can't wait." She says, "Come home this summer, Jules. I'm getting married."

"Okay, yeah." She thinks of how Ms. Cathy pinches her eyes together. She thinks of her own voice, how it bites when she says the word _hate. _Jules hates that town more than anything. Jules does not consider it home. She hates it like she hated her father in the eighth grade, like how Nate hated her in eleventh grade, like she lied and said she hated Rue in twelfth. Jules thinks sometimes you hate things that are good for you, like chemistry, or prescription drugs, or yourself. Jules says, "I'll come home."


	3. The Girls Who Are Not Rue Bennet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally not @ how it took so long for me to write this last chapter eye—pardoname, lo siento; no se que estoy haciendo

"Rue," Jules sings. "Rue, let me read you a poem."

"Oh, here she goes,” Rue grumbles back. The phone speaker emits a cackle and Jules hears her voice echo, so she knows she’s on speaker. “Always with the poetry and the Shakespeare and the I-Go-To-A-College-In-The-North-East bullshit.”

"What’s your deal against New York?”

"I hate _ Lady Bird_."

Jules giggles. “What? What’s that got to do with anything?”

“She, like, argues with her mom and then just fucks off to New York. Everybody in movies always just fucks off to New York so they can get lost or whatever, as if being lost and confused and poor is more authentic than just being, like, happy. Like, why even…” Rue realizes what she’s saying before Jules does. She's thankful, at least, that Rue stops talking. It didn't seem like the rest of her sentence would've been particularly kind. Rue is quiet on the other line.

Jules says, “Let me read you this poem, Rue.” She recites from her textbook: “'A man looks at me, et cetera. The worst thing about love is I remember it. I walk around all day thinking: I’m going to die in the universe you loved me in. I get so jealous of euthanized dogs.'” She finishes, “'Shoot for the moon! If you miss, try and hit a cop.'”

Rue says, “I liked that one actually.”

"Yeah, it reminds me of you.”

"How?” There’s a knock on the door.

Taylor, the transfer student from Pratt with big blue eyes and who obviously has a crush on Jules, stands in the doorway with a cashmere sweater in her hands. She holds it like how Maddy's mother held the rosary when Jules slept over that one weekend.

"You left this in the studio,” she says.

"Oh, thanks.” Taylor’s big eyes take on sheen as Jules grabs her shirt back.

"I wanted to ask if maybe—sorry, are you busy right now?”

"Um, a little, yeah.”

"Sorry, sorry. I’ll come back later. Sorry.” She dashes away. Jules puts the phone back to her ear.

"Who was that?” Rue asks.

"She’s nobody. Nothing. Don’t get jealous.” Rue laughs.

"Jules, I’m not jealous. I have a boyfriend, remember?” For a split second, Jules shoots red hot laser beams from her eyes. “We’re friends. It’s fine.”

It is the opposite of fine.

* * *

Jules asks Ms. Cathy, "What if she doesn't love me?" and Ms. Cathy kind of shrugs.

"Well, what if she doesn't love you?" she retorts. "The world won't end. You won't implode."

"I wish I would."

"Do you not see how that's a bit concerning?" Ms. Cathy sets her clipboard down, which means Jules is about to learn a Lesson. "Forget about Rue for a moment. What I want us to focus on right now is how you're reacting. Because right now your behaviors and what you're saying don't match up. You want to be with her, but you won't explicitly tell her that or ask how she feels. And communication is the integral key here because you two seem quite intimate. And so what would really help you now, I think, is to figure out why."

"Why what?"

"Why do you think you can't talk to her?" Jules scoffs.

"No, listen, I talk to Rue literally all the time. It's fine." She says, "But, I mean, I'm kind of on limited time. This wedding is proof of that. Everyone's graduating in, like, a year, and marriage usually follows that, and then kids, and then I'll be totally obsolete. She won't even look at me. It's just unfair. Like, I'm trying to finish school and wrap up my internships and find a good job and on top of that my university insurance is gonna run out next year and I'll have to cover my hormones and therapy and it's just a lot. It's fucked up. Because the world's not gonna wait for me to get my shit together."

Ms. Cathy asks, simply, "Who told you that?" Jules looks to the floor.

"I mean, nobody _told_ me that. But it's, like, a universally acknowledged thing. Life waits for no one." But Ms. Cathy is shaking her head.

She says, "Life cannot act. Your life doesn't control you. You control your life." Jules thinks, _what a therapist thing to say._

"Yeah, that's all fine and dandy to believe in here, but when I go back out into the real world, I'm gonna be alone and I'm gonna have to figure all of this out without you, Ms. Cathy."

"Jules, don't take this the wrong way, but what makes you think you're so special?" Jules' heart stutters in her chest. She shakes her head, not understanding. "Every single person on this earth has gone through at least one of the things you're going through now. Everyone's had to keep up with their medication. Everyone's had financial issues. Everyone's loved someone who didn't love them back."

Ms. Cathy says, "You will not break down if Rue doesn't fall in love with you. Rue could wake up and hate you tomorrow and you know what? You could skip all your classes and eat an entire tub of ice cream and turn off your phone for the whole day. And when you get over it, everything will still be there in its place, waiting for you. The world waits all the time. It won't fall apart because you're having a bad day. I hate to say it, but you just aren't that important."

"I'm not saying it won't wait because I'm obsessed with myself. I'm just being realistic." Jules feels herself turning red. "I just don't know how I'm gonna do all of this on my own."

"You've been fine until now."

"YOU THINK THIS IS FINE, MS. CATHY?"

"Jules, you are an incredibly smart, sensitive human being. You moved here alone from across the country and before that, you survived terrible conditions with your mother and out alone on the streets. You make remarkable grades and you have some adorable friends from what I've seen and heard. And every single person you encounter seems to be immediately infatuated by your confidence and charm. I'd say you're more than fine." Jules, who does not like compliments, begins crying. "What are you so scared of, Jules?"

What is Jules so scared of?

Well.

The semester is half-way over. The semester is half-way over and Jules will have to go home when it's finished because she promised and because she said she would. She will go home with an economy ticket on a shitty airline (every airline is shitty, to be fair) and she will see her dad's pinchy face and sleep in an attic like a sixteen-year-old girl, like the sixteen-year-old girl she used to be, and in the bed Rue used to kiss her in.

She'll go to the rehearsal dinner and figure out how to buy things from a list, and she'll wear the dress she designed last semester for Single Fabrics. She'll wear it and completely forget all of the great memories associated with it—Sadie yelping as Jules jabbed in the pins and needles, Liam dancing around her room to an awful song, Grace trying to do a handstand on the bed in the corner—because she'll be sitting across from Rue, who no doubt will look incredible, and her boyfriend, who, unfortunately, exists.

Rue and her fucking boyfriend.

Ms. Cathy says, "I promise the world will wait because that's what it does for everyone else."

"Everyone," Jules repeats. Ms. Cathy nods. Everyone.

* * *

She literally forgot because it never fucking mattered before but Ashton Santos is in her Sociology and Modeling class. He sits by the window and spends half the time texting on his phone while chewing his eraser. It's shouldn't be as hot as it is.

Jules moves to stand before his desk, and even though she's looking down at him, he seems huge. "Hi," she says, and his eyes manage to widen and narrow at the same time. His skin is very deep and smooth and pretty, so he cannot blush, but he does seem embarrassed and hot in a temperature sense now. Jules takes a step back and thinks, _Oh, no, is a tit out?_

Ashton blurts, "I'm really sorry, Becky, I meant to call you and I guess I just fell asleep."

Jules is like, "What?"

Ashton Santos is like, "What?" And then, "Did we plan a date for last Saturday?"

Jules shakes her head. "No."

"Word?" Ashton smiles and it is brilliant. "Would you wanna hang out this Saturday?"

"I have a girlfriend, actually. Kind of."

Ashton blinks his big brown eyes up at her. "Lucky lady," he says. Jules blushes.

"Um. I wanted to know if you needed more models for your shoot."

"You wanna sign up?"

"No, but my friend needs at least two more credits before the semester's up. I figured I'd help him out."

"Oh, word, yeah, yeah." Ashton flips open his sketchbook. "What's the name?"

"Liam Yamato." Jules notices the muscles in his back tighten. His grip on his pencil harshens and his Adam's apple bobs. She tries to think of cold showers. "You might know him. He's a Production major? Really tall. Nose piercing. Thinks he's the funniest man on the planet." Ashton slams the book closed.

"Yeah, I know him. I don't think it'll work out."

"Please? He really needs this."

"Why can't he model for you?"

"My names are already in the book for studio time."

"Oh, and you just assume mine aren't." Jules gives him a look. "Okay, whatever. I was getting to it eventually." Ashton says, "We've worked together before and we just don't mesh well."

"If you like him, you should go for it," she says.

"I didn't say all that, now." Jesus. Jules leans into his desk.

"Stop being a little bitch and just ask him on a date."

"Did someone put you up to this or something?"

"If you love someone—"

"Love?"

"—you should tell them. And if they reject you, you deserve to know why. You're doing this for _yourself_, Ashton Santos. The world is waiting for you, Ashton Santos."

Ashton asks, "Why do people always say my full name?"

* * *

That night, Liam asks no one in particular, "Why is Ashton Santos calling me?"

Jules says, immediately, "Answer it."

Taylor asks, "Who is Ashton Santos?"

Grace asks, "Jules, does your friend Kat hate you or something? Because this is not going to fit you." She tugs the bridesmaid dress out of its plastic wrapping and kicks the empty shipping package across the room.

"Be careful!" Jules says, "We'll just tailor it."

"Gonna leave us with a lot of extra fabric."

"What's wrong with it?"

Sadie says, from across the room, "Tiddies." Jules holds the dress in front of her and turns to the mirror. Oh.

Grace giggles. "Has she ever seen you in real life? Did she ask you to get implants before the ceremony? I'm just trying to figure this out, logically."

Liam goes, "Ew, he asked me on a date."

"Say yes!" Jules hollers.

"Literally why?"

"Why not?"

Taylor asks, again, "Who is Ashton Santos?"

"It's Liam's exboyfriend."

"We never dated. He's just some guy I slept with."

Grace and Sadie supplement, "Everyone sleeps with Ashton Santos."

Jules pushes on. "But it could end up really well. I mean, he told you he liked you and now he's asking again, so you know he's genuine."

"Yeah, but he's kind of a man-whore. Not to slut-shame or anything. But it's like why take him seriously, you know?"

"Because he's seriously asking, Liam."

"I don't know that for sure."

"You would if you said yes and you heard what he has to say."

"Maybe I don't care what he has to say," Liam says.

Sadie goes, "Why do you care?"

And Liam goes, "Yeah, Jules, why do you care?" Rather than answer, Jules hugs Kat's dress to her core and eyes her reflection. There is much work to be done.

* * *

"Got any more poems for me, Jules?"

"I thought you hated them."

"Well." Across the country, Rue sighs. "I like that they make you happy."

"God, you can't say stuff like that." Jules relaxes into her pillows. "You know I'm in love with you."

"I didn't actually." There are several beats of silence. Jules' heart gets stuck in her throat. Rue says, "I have to go. I'll call you later." And she hangs up.

* * *

"Did you tell Liam?"

Ashton Santos groans. "Did I tell him what?"

"That you love him?" Jules sits on his desk. "What did he say?" Ashton looks directly at her ass on his sketchbook.

"You're sure you're busy Saturday?"

"Girlfriend, Ashton."

"She can come, too."

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say something sexist and implicitly lesophobic in this sociology classroom." Ashton Santos does not apologize. Ashton Santos uses the palms of his hands to cover his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I'm blocking out your beauty." He says, "Liam laughs at me. He thinks I'm a joke."

"God, I _know_, right? Why do they keep doing that?"

"What's up with you? Why you playing cupid?"

Jules says, "If you don't pursue this, you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life." Ashton drops his hands.

"If Liam doesn't like me, I can't make him like me."

"But he does!"

"No, he likes sex."

"Yeah, but you like sex, too." Jules presses, "You deserve to be taken seriously. You do."

* * *

The semester is three-quarters of the way done. Rue has not called Jules back. She dials now, pacing back and forth in her room.

She will do this.

She will ask Rue how she feels.

A voice that is not Rue's answers, "Hello?" Jules knows it's the Boyfriend because the voice is as tight as Cassie's dresses. It can barely contain the anger, but it tries to anyway because it is the cordial and polite voice of the kind of man who dates a gorgeous, selfless homeless shelter worker.

Jules gulps. Asks, "Rue?" She meant to ask where Rue is, but her palms are sweaty and she can't think.

"Stop calling, all right?" he says. "Just stop fucking calling her."

* * *

There's one last therapy appointment before she's due back home for the worst wedding to ever wedding. Jules bumps it up so she can cry in Ms. Cathy's office.

"I don't wanna talk. I don't want therapy. I don't want a solution or to be healthy right now." Jules says, "I just wanna cry. I just need to cry for a second."

Ms. Cathy nods. Jules wails.

* * *

Jules spends the entire next day trying not to throw up. Her friends squeeze into another booth in another bar. They drink to the end of the semester and the upcoming finals and their final year of school. They're drinking and their happy and for a moment Jules feels what Rue must feel.

These New York friends, with their fashion classes, and their rich parents, and Condé Nast internships, are on a level that can't be transposed or transcribed to any other way of living. She's been trying for months now to simply be understood. She doesn't want sympathy or agreement; she wants one of the many people she's made her new home with to see this part of herself she forgot she was even hiding. She wants them to look at her and hear about the Old Jules and think, _Oh, that makes sense_. _It makes sense that you could behave that way and love someone and have that same someone love you. It is perfectly logical for you to be as in love as you are. It is normal and okay and valid._

And instead she's been questioned at every turn.

"You're not drinking!" Taylor hollers. "Why aren't you drinking?"

Jules asks Liam, "How's the thing with Ashton?" Liam rolls his eyes. Jules' insides burn.

"There's no thing with Ashton. He's just being his usual fuckboi self. He likes chasing." Liam ruminates while sipping his beer. "I think I kinda like being caught, though." Taylor paws at Jules' sleeve.

"This is so pretty," she slurs. "You're so pretty, Jules." Jules rolls her eyes at this useless information. She doesn't care about herself, she cares about Rue. There are the people who are Rue Bennet and the people who are not and Jules is one of them, and that somehow feels wrong.

She is so in love. She is so in love. She should be able to touch herself and feel Rue, she's so in love. Be able to speak and hear her voice, or at least mimic it. Rue's so lucky she can be with herself at all times.

Maybe that's why she could never ask Rue how she felt; Jules should've already known. She should feel what Rue feels and know what Rue thinks. She's just as useless as Taylor and Sadie and even Ms. Cathy, as every other girl who is not Rue Bennet.

* * *

Ashton finally puts his model's names in the book for studio appointments. Liam isn't there.

* * *

Jules thumbs through her last texts to Rue. Laughing about Kat's dresses and the time Ashtray gave them tattoos.

She wants to feel what these texts made her feel again, like her company is enough.

* * *

Ashton tests the lights while his models dress. When he sees Jules, he says, "He said no. What'd you want me to do?"

She kisses him. He, of course, kisses her back. It lasts a while. The models finish and one of them whistles and another clears their throat. A voice goes, "Ashton!" in a way that implies Ashton Santos is not single.

Jules whispers, "I'll come back when you're done, okay?"

Ashton says, "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

It is the last day of classes and they are in another bar and raising their glasses.

Everyone cheers and Jules says, "I'm fucking Ashton Santos." Everyone is silent for a moment.

Sadie's eyebrows shoot up and disappear behind her afro and she proudly deems Jules a "little slut!" Taylor slumps back into her seat and sucks up her Shirley Temple through a black straw.

Grace says, "Welcome to the ever-growing club."

Sadie says, "And he's not white! Is he cis?" Everyone shrugs. "Close enough. We're still celebrating."

Liam bites, "Since when are you into Ashton Santos?"

Jules bites back, "Since when do you care?"

And Sadie goes, "Yeah, why do you care?" Liam resituates himself in the booth.

"Just didn't see it coming is all."

Jules shrugs, pretending to be nonchalant. "I needed a wedding date. So." Sadie lets out a loud, joyous bubble of laughter.

Liam's eyes narrow. "Ashton Santos doesn't date."

Jules says, simply, "Okay."

* * *

Ashton buys a room at a four-star hotel down the block from the aquarium because that's where Kat and Ethan have decided to get married. A fucking aquarium.

Ashton slings his suitcase on the bed and sighs, "White people."

"Listen, Santos, I need you to pull out all the stops, okay?"

"I don't think I really understand what you're trying to do." Jules stops pacing in front of the TV and looks to the heavens, to the god she envisions looks exactly like Ms. Cathy but with a pearly white aura.

"I don't even fucking know what I'm trying to do."

"You wanna make your ex-girlfriend jealous?" he guesses. _No_, Jules thinks, _I want to make my ex-girlfriend a forever home and live inside her arms like a house. I want to touch her hair and smell her neck and lick her lips and have her tell me she loves me._

But Jules just says, "That'll do, yeah."

* * *

"Ah, I'm getting married!" Kat blushes in front of her penis cake. "Let them eat dick," she proclaims.

"Where's Rue?" Jules whispers into Lexi's ear. The girls around them cut slices and sprinkle on candies from the toppings buffet. Lexi's eyes dart back and forth. Maddy scootches her chair back when she reaches for a cherry and it makes a noise as it slides across the floor.

"Maddy, I don't get the deposit back if you scruff anything."

"Can someone bring in a stripper already so Lex can get off my clit?" she barks back. Kat sends both girls a desperate "please, no fighting" look and they settle.

Jules tries again. "Where's Rue?"

And in she walks. She's in pajamas. Everyone's in pajamas. And Maddy's are see-through in some places and satin in others, but Jules still thinks Rue looks the best. She looks comfortable, which means she looks like comfort, which means she looks like what she makes Jules feel.

"You look so cute, Rue!"

"Nice jammies!"

"Are those my house shoes?"

Rue ignores them all and takes a seat on the opposite side of Lexi, who promptly stands up.

Rue asks, barely audible, "Where are you going?" Lexi marches around the table and starts scrubbing at the floor with a napkin.

Rue looks to Jules with her big sad eyes. Jules smiles.

"There you are," she says.

Rue shrugs. "Here I am." Jules moves for a hug and Rue lets her.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too." Across Rue's shoulder, Maddy is licking into a 'V' sign with her fingers in their direction. Jules narrows her eyes like, _Stop_ it! Maddy rolls her eyes to the back of her head and shakes.

Kat goes, "What the fuck are you doing?" Maddy stops and stutters.

"They're really good cherries," she says.

* * *

"Who wants to hear my vows?"

Maddy goes, "It's your bachelorette party."

Jules says, "We do!" and she falls onto the couch. Rue tentatively steps over her feet and Jules opens her arms wide. "Sit with me, Rue!"

She whispers back, "Okay." She slides by Jules' side, but Jules is not mollified. She's drunk. She grabs Rue's legs and throws them over hers. She tugs Rue closer. "Okay," Rue says. "This is close."

"Hi," Jules smiles.

"Hiya."

Kat proclaims, "Ethan, I am going to be crass. We are idiots. There is no possible way this will end well." The girls all laugh and smile and clink their champagne flutes. Jules rubs her thumb on Rue's thigh. "We're way too young, way too poor, and way too undereducated. We're dumb, dumb people, and I know we are because junior year when we first kissed, you told me that if anything ever went wrong with us that you'd take the fall and I agreed with you until now." Rue almost slips off of Jules' lap and clings to her by squeezing her arm. They laugh and secure their seat, but Rue doesn't let go. "I'm marrying you now, which means we both get hurt now. It means I get to listen to your bad jokes and supposedly whiny voice forever and you have to learn to accept that I hurt sometimes."

Jules whispers, "Do you wanna go?"

Rue whispers back, "That'd be rude."

Kat continues, "That's very brave of the both of us. This is very brave, what we're doing. I'm so happy we're so brave and stupid and young. And I'm gonna be happy when we're cautious and smart and older, too. Because I'll have you." Everyone claps. Rue stands from Jules' lap and offers a hand. Jules takes it.

* * *

"I met your boyfriend," Rue says. "He's, like, super hot."

"Yeah, he's a slut," Jules says because she's an idiot. "Um, no. I'm joking."

"Is that why, um. Is he why you stopped calling?" Jules freezes in the hallway and places a hand on the wall to steady herself.

"What do you mean?"

"I, like, reacted weird when you said you loved me, but like obviously I know, like, how you meant it because of our past and everything. And Ashton seems pretty cool, too. And—"

"Rue, Rue—"

"I just got like super nervous for like no reason."

"Rue, just let me kiss you. Here, okay?" She holds Rue's face in her hands. Rue sighs a big sigh and a tear spills from her eyes. "I love you, okay?"

"Okay."

Their noses touch first, and then their foreheads, and then Rue reaches to hold her hand. And then they kiss.

Rue's lips taste like cherry and her tongue tastes like wine and her cheek smells like nothing, but it doesn't need to smell like anything anyways. Jules' tongue tastes lip and teeth and more tongue and she opens her mouth to gasp.

Rue wraps her arms around her.

* * *

"You didn't wanna mention to her that her boyfriend's evil?"

"He lied, and if I told her, she'd have to pick a side." Ashton slides open the shower curtain and turns to face her at the sink. She chokes on her toothpaste. "Put that away."

"Get in with me."

"Horny fucking loser," Jules says while stepping out the restroom.

"Am I still making her jealous?"

"No, um. Can you seduce the boyfriend?"

Ashton calls back, "I don't think he's gay." Jules barges back into the bathroom.

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, just at the bachelor party? He just seemed straight as hell. You know. Boring."

"I lost the love of my life to a straight man? No, no, no."

"It happens all the time," Ashton assures.

"No, no, that's wrong. Something's wrong."

* * *

"Is this fish?" Ashton tugs at the sleeves of his tux. "I know y'all ain't serving fish in this bitch." He shakes his head. "We're eating fish in front of the fish."

"Santos!" Jules glares. He moves down the buffet line.

Maddy, from across the table, goes, "Jules, your boyfriend is hot as shit. I feel like it's 100 degrees." Jules's eyes track Rue as she finds her seat on the opposite side of the room. She looks up. Jules waves. Rue smiles.

Jules says, offhand, "I know right."

As Ethan's dad makes a toast, Jules sends Rue a text that says _You look so pretty!_ She watches Rue's reaction, and it is definitively not good. Her boyfriend looks angry. How can be he angry? It's an open relationship. Jules asks _What's wrong?_

_Does your boyfriend know we kissed? _She rolls her eyes at the idea of Ashton being jealous.

_Yeah._ Rue doesn't text back. She raises her glass and the room cheers.

* * *

The boyfriend, Kai, fucks off to use the restroom when everyone gets up to line dance. Ashton smoothly stands and tugs at his lapels. Jules tugs him back into his seat.

"What?" he asks.

"What, are you gonna suck him off in the bathroom or something?" Ashton sort of shrugs, implying he's done it before, possibly several times. "No, I'm going."

"You're gonna go in the men's room?"

"No, I'm gonna wait outside." And then she barks, "Why is me in the men's room more scandalous than you catching a dick in the men's room?"

"I didn't mean to imply—"

"God, you're fucking annoying." She shoves her chair back. Maddy immediately steals her seat. Jules has no reason to pretend anymore. She is done lying and hiding, at least for the moment. Kai slips out the bathroom and barges into her. She smells all his cologne. He is not cute. She shoves out a hand.

"I'm Jules." He scoffs.

"I know."

"Weird that you know who I am and I don't know you."

He says, "I'm Kai." She wiggles her hand. He reluctantly shakes it.

"I want to talk to you about Rue." He straightens his back and purses his lips.

"No," he says, "I want to talk to you about Rue." Something juvenile in Jules' mind wants to say _I asked you first_, but she refrains.

She says, "The floor is yours."

"You should leave her alone," he says. "For good." It is the straightest, male-est thing Jules has ever heard. And she will not be bossed around by some scared straight loser ever again in her life.

She says, "I'm not gonna do that. If anything, _you_ should back off, since you're obviously, like, obsessed with her. And not in a good way."

"Jules, you have done nothing but stress her out, okay?" He gestures a lot with his hands, back and forth and together and apart, like he's performing a prayer. "It's not healthy. You've been stringing her along for years and for what? Are you bored?"

"Do _not_ talk to me like that."

"No, I'll talk to you however I like because, frankly, that's how you talk to my girlfriend as well."

"You don't know anything about me. And you lied to her. You made it seem like I didn't want to talk to her anymore when _you_ told me to stay away."

"Jules, you could've called her anyways! But you didn't. Because you finally faced a consequence for your actions."

"I'm not doing anything wrong!"

"God, you are such a spoiled little—"

"KAI!" They both turn.

Rue stands at the entrance of the hall, perfect. Jules shrinks up. Rue asks, "What are you doing?" She asks Jules, "What's going on? Are you okay?" Jules thinks of a god-like Ms. Cathy looking down on her and shaking her head.

Jules says, "I'm going back to my room." She pushes past Rue and the buffet table and Kat and Ethan slow dancing and Maddy running her hands through Ashton Santos' hair and Lexi arguing with a caterer. She pushes and pushes until she's at the front entrance of the aquarium, until she's on the sidewalk outside. It is her and a streetlight and the virtual car on her Lyft app getting closer and closer to her location.

Maybe Rue stresses Jules out, too. Maybe Jules needs some protection from perfection and loveliness and Rue's nice, curly hair. Maybe the world is waiting for Jules to move on and grow up. Loving someone shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be this hard, at least.

She watches the aquarium doors slide open and she watches Rue step out into the summer night. She narrows her eyes until she spots Jules across the lot and she starts walking over, and Jules can't tell if she's sad or angry. Rue doesn't wait until she's there before she starts talking.

She says, "So you're just leaving."

Jules shrugs.

Rue says, "You can't keep leaving. You can't keep leaving me just because I'm hard." She gets underneath the streetlight and Jules sees that she's crying.

"You're not hard. You're not hard, Rue." She steps forward to wipe her thumb along her cheek, but Rue backs away.

"Well, something's... something's not right with me. Because otherwise, you'd stay."

"I can't _stay_, Rue. Not after your boyfriend just chewed me out."

"I mean all the other times!" Rue screams. "Like you left on the train and for school and never came back and then when you left for school again."

Jules says nothing. She remembers when Rue first kissed her in her bedroom. She was so bold and smart and she just did it, and Jules thought, _I didn't know we could do that. _She's always been kind of clueless, especially with Rue, with love in general. She never knows what anything means and sometimes she doesn't even know her partner's name and sometimes she'll have sex with a guy just to drag him across the country and make her ex-girlfriend jealous. She doesn't know why she doesn't think like how anyone else, any objective person, would think.

Why didn't she notice Rue loved her the first time? Why didn't she notice during winter break? Why is she struggling to notice now?

Maybe it's the same reason she could never ask Rue on the phone how she felt and why she did the things she did. Maybe she's afraid she'll ask Rue why they aren't together and Rue will have a really good reason. And what was she supposed to do with that?

Rue says, "You didn't dump me."

Jules whispers back, "What?"

"You came back to school senior year and you just acted like everything was fine. And then you left to New York. And you never came back for years. And you never broke up with me." Jules realizes now that Rue has been waiting for her, which she also should've known. Rue is her world and her world waits. "And that was super shitty."

"I'm sorry."

"I needed you. I _needed_ you!" Rue's face is turning red. "I—I'm sick. I know I'm sick, okay? So, like, if you're worried that dumping me will make me, like, start using again or something, you shouldn't. You shouldn't worry, okay? Because I go to meetings and Ali helps and Gia and I do check-ups, like, every day. So, like, I don't need you to be fine anymore. I can take it. Just do it. Just do it."

"But—"

Rue yells, "BREAK UP WITH ME!"

Jules yells back, "I don't want to!" Her phone buzzes. Her Lyft is less than a mile away. She ignores it. Rue swipes at her tears.

"I break up with you, then." She says, "It's done." She turns and she leaves Jules under the lamppost.

* * *

Jules hits the dismiss button when her phone rings the next morning. Ashton does as well. They're both still in bed when someone starts banging on the door.

"You answer it," Jules says. Ashton mumbles something in Spanish. "Just answer it!"

Ashton hollers, "Fucking okay!" and he gets up and wobbles to the door. Lexi shoves it open as soon as he turns the handle. She shoves him out of the way. In the doorway, Maddy blinks up at him, her makeup half-way done.

"Jules, I don't know what happened with you and Rue last night, but I care. I care so much that you two are taking literal years to figure out what took Ethan and Kat like 6 months to put together. I get it. Everyone runs on their own schedule." Lexi opens the curtains and pulls off the covers. She grabs the pillow under Jules' head and yanks it onto the floor. "And whenever you two finally stop doing whatever it is you've been doing, I promise I will behave this same way if Kat starts making out with Ethan over your wedding invitations or if Gia proposes to someone during the rehearsal dinner. I will absolutely destroy them, Jules. I am a good friend, Jules. I am fantastic."

Maddy goes, "She really is." She says, "Ash, you look really good right now." Ashton Santos is only wearing boxers. His face brightens.

"You gave me a nickname!" he chirps. Jules sits up in bed and rubs at her eyes.

She says, "I only came here for Rue and it's fucking over now." Lexi grabs Jules' chin and turns her head so they can speak eye to eye.

"Jules, I'm not gonna argue with you. I already argued with Mr. Hernandez, with the caterer, with Cassie and her weak ass sharpies for the name tags. I'm done arguing. I am not arguing with you."

Maddy says, "Just do it."

Lexi says, "I physically can't."

Maddy says, "Just come on already, Jules."

Lexi says, "I haven't drank water in 2 weeks, Jules."

Ashton asks, "Is that safe?"

Maddy says, "I mean, technically, there's water in energy drinks, so she's probably fine."

Jules says, "I'll be ready in a minute." Lexi grabs her shoes from the floor and starts putting them on Jules' feet.

"You'll be ready right now," she corrects. "I'm parked in the fire truck lane."

* * *

Rue is the first person she sees in the dressing room. She's standing, leaning over a vanity, and applying mascara. Jules stops dead in her tracks and clutches her dress to her core like it's armor. Lexi shoves her inside. Lexi says, "If you're not done in, like, ten minutes, I will come back in here and do your shit myself." And then she closes the door.

Jules says, "Hi."

Rue says, "Hi." And then she bottles her mascara and walks out of the room.

* * *

Rue and Jules have to stand next to each other during the ceremony because that's what they did during rehearsals and Lexi might pass out if they change it. Jules squeezes her flowers and tries to take deep breaths. She wishes she had Ms. Cathy.

Kat walks down the aisle and everyone gasps and Ethan starts crying. Jules wishes Rue liked her. That way they could meet each other's eyes and make face at one another like _Here he goes again_. But they're not girlfriends anymore, so they do not do that. Kai is not in attendance, but Jules doesn't know if that's a good sign or not. She checks the seats just to make sure and Ashton catches her eye from the middle row. He waves. She gives him a tight-lipped smile.

Everyone sits back down, but Jules has to stand the entire time and she has to stand next to Rue and she's burning in hell. When the vows come, she can't even be happy that the ceremony is almost over because now her friends are shoving their love in her face in front of her ex-girlfriend.

Kat says, "You have to be okay that I hurt" and Jules thinks about Rue under the street light, how she sobbed and sobbed and begged for Jules to leave her alone. Jules starts crying.

The pastor says Ethan can kiss his wife and he does. It's over.

* * *

Jules cries more during the reception. All the old white people are dancing so slow with the loves of their lives and all the old Portuguese people are saying things in Portuguese to the loves of their lives and she can't stand it. There's nothing more she can say to Rue. She's not even sure she wants to say anything. She wants to fuck off to New York and never see any of these people again.

Someone knocks on the stall door.

Jules sniffles. Asks, "Yes?"

Ashton says, "Let me in."

She says, "You're in the girl's bathroom."

He says, "I'm trying to comfort you. Let me in."

"I'm not going to have sex with you again." She can't see him, but she knows he's disappointed about this. But he knocks again.

"Let me in anyways." She unlocks the door. "Ay, don't crinkle the dress like that!" She rolls her eyes and stands up. He straightens her skirt. "You wanna get out of here?" She nods. "But let me guess. You don't wanna be rude."

"I'm so selfish." Ashton shrugs. "I don't even deserve to be here."

"Ay! Don't talk like that!"

"I meant here at this wedding, Ashton."

"Oh, my bad. Okay." He opens his arms for a hug.

Jules says, "No."

"You just need some loving," he says, and he hugs her anyway. "You'll be good, girl. You're good."

* * *

Everyone says their goodbyes by the shark tank. Ashton pokes the glass. Maddy pokes his bicep.

Rue chats with Lexi in a corner, and Jules thinks _I will not go over there. I will not talk to her._ But she goes anyways.

Lexi says, "I'm gonna check the recordings," and she dashes away. Rue doesn't say anything at all. Her big, sad, brown eyes blink and blink.

Jules asks, "Did you see Ethan trip on his way into the Just Married car?" Rue smiles a little bit. "I'm kind of starting to get why Kat's into him. I never thought I would, but I kinda do now." Rue's eyes take on a dark cast.

She says, "Maddy is making out with your boyfriend." Jules looks. Maddy has Ashton pushed up against the glass.

"He's not my boyfriend. I just brought him here to make you jealous."

Rue scoffs. "It worked."

"He's very attractive."

"His bone structure is kind of insane."

"I stole him, technically." Jules says, "My friend's super into him and he's super into my friend, but they're both idiots, so. It'll probably take forever, but I think they're gonna be okay eventually."

Rue nods. "That's good."

"I'm really sorry I was such a shit girlfriend." Jules says, "If you ever give me a chance again, I'll be perfect. Not that people can be perfect. But I'll be. I'm sorry."

Rue says, "Okay." Jules thinks, _Okay as in you accept my apology or okay as in you'll give me another chance? _And because she doesn't know, she asks it.

"Okay like you'll give me another chance one day?" Rue kind of smiles and kind of shrugs and avoids eye contact because she's a cute ball of anxiety. Jules wants to kiss her. "No pressure," she says. "I love you."

And Rue says, finally, "I love you, too."

* * *

Jules leaves to New York for her senior year. She applies for insurance and internships and doesn't yell in the library. She tells Grace to be sensitive about the whole gay thing because Jules realizes she requires sensitivity. She's fragile and hurts and needs to point this out to herself and to others.

She and Grace kiss and hold hands and eat Thai food together, and Sadie cheers about it and Taylor gets over it.

She goes home for Fall Break and Thanksgiving Break and Winter Break. Liam and Ashton kiss on New Year's Day.

She goes home for Spring Break, too. She goes home just to go home, even.

Two months before graduation, she's sitting on her old bed eating take out with Rue, and the lighting is just right. The sun is setting outside of the window. Rue is looking at her lips and Jules says, "I have a girlfriend."

Rue's fists ball up the comforter.

Jules says, "I'm sorry. I love you. Don't leave."

Rue shakes her head. She smiles. She says, "I won't leave."

Ms. Cathy listens to her and helps her and hugs her goodbye after their final session.

Graduation comes and she and Grace break up. Grace is staying in New York. Jules is moving to Paris.

She tells Rue on the phone, over 3,000 miles away.

Rue's like, "Wow, great. I'm, like, never gonna see you."

Jules says, "There are homeless people in France."

Rue says, "I can't speak French."

Jules says, "Do you know that Google Translate is free?"

Rue says, "Fuck you."

"Move with me. Or just come visit me. Just once."

Rue goes, "_You _visit _me_."

"I always do."

And Rue says, "Fine." She adds, "Just for the weekend."

"For a week, Rue. It takes a week to see Paris."

"Okay, a week." And the line is quiet. It is quiet for a long time. Rue says, "I'm not staying longer than a week." And Jules hums. "I'm not."

Jules goes, "I think I have a crush on you again."

Rue sighs. Rue asks, "How hard is French?"

Jules gasps. "Rue, it's, like, not hard at all! It's not hard at all!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's probably a lot of spelling mistakes but i have midterms so i'll fix those later and THANKS FOR READING and for putting up with like a month of waiting for this last chapter and i oop  
ALSO  
referenced poems are jenny kiss'd me by leigh hunt and 3 poems by june gehringer.  
have a nice day, lesbians!


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